April 22, 2006

No Ring – No String

Filed under: marriage,Most Read,Random,Relationships,This Gets To Me — Kaveeta Oberoi Kaul @ 12:06 pm
Tags: , ,

I met a girl , couple of days back, at a social do. The usual kind of party where you meet some interesting, some not so, some nice, some not so, some who you take back with you in memories and others who you want to forget the moment they are out of your sight.

She was the former variety, interesting , nice and the fact I am writing about her amounts to the fact that she was memorable. Pretty, in a bizarre sort of way and totally in-the-face.With her attitude, speech and stance.

A while ago, I would have made my excuses and strolled off. I had found it difficult to come to terms with this ‘new breed’, to whom irreverence is a choice and a badge they wear as an identity status.

Surprisingly, ever since I joined the ranks of ‘blogging community’, I notice that my reserve and trepidation at ‘dialoguing’ with the kind is slowly melting. Even almost disappearing. I find myself warming to their view point and eager to know their take on almost every issue under the sun..which includes of course, the quintessential topic of discussion among humanity as a whole- Marriage.

The above title of the post was thanks to my new friend. It more or less is self explanatory on what she thinks of this great’institution’ of marriage. Or rather does not think of it, as one. To every argument I put forward with all the eloquence at my disposal, or ‘weight of experience’, all I got from her was “why?” or a “so what?”, “why bother” and finally “its just not worth it”..period.

I was taken aback, initially, at the generous dollops of slang that interspersed her vociferous fragmented utterances. You’d be too. Try envisaging the above four worders punctuated with six f’s and 3 a’s. But once the reasoning behind the heavily cloaked words reached my overwhelmingly and by-now groggy mind, I actually found myself telling her “I think you are right.. I would have done the same too.” Hubby ofcourse at this point, had given up on the two of us and decided to replenish his stem glass.

To put it as succinctly as I can, she believed that most men/women today do not believe in marriage as being the only worthwhile destination in their life. If the reason for marriage is stability, then she didnt need a man to give it to her. Emotional needs,well, which husband remains your best friend, once the initial euphoria has died down. Physical needs?? “You must be joking..Hitch up for life for a roll in the hay? Never!!”. What about envy at those happily married snap shot families, kids in tow, munching on crunchies, at a theatre. Wont she miss it?.. Yeah right..go home to a hubby who promptly goes off to sleep and you are left handling the kids their tantrums and an acrylic sense of having had a good time!

Compare that with the brazenness of telling the guy who decides to exhibit his male ego by reminding her how she ought to be doing this that or the other, with a s***w off. Coming back to a place where she can be the person she wants to, never made to feel guilty for choosing to have a life, and not just babies!!

“Independence” in its most recent and progressive(?) connotation. So what happens now to Kids? Will they happen? And if they do, will they have a home with Papa and Mama?
Is it just years of conditioning that accentuates a family as we know it, or is it the only way it was meant to be? Are single parent families the future?

What of “and they lived happily ever after “endings? Or, were they fairy tales after all..there are no endings of the kind.


  1. All around us all we see are marriages crumbling..over the slightest excuse. Men blame the women, women the men.But the end result is that most marriages are compromises today. So then how can the younger lot feel excited to be wanting to marry?

    Comment by Neha — April 22, 2006 @ 1:24 pm | Reply

  2. I dont aree that marriage can ever go out of fashion. It is the basis of our society. Problems have always been there and now they may have increased. But marriage is necessary. I would definitely want to marry a man of my choice. If two people love each other then they can overcome everything..what future is there for our kids without a home? They need both to feel secure.

    Comment by Kaveetaa Kaul — April 22, 2006 @ 1:44 pm | Reply

    When I say the word “soulmate”, what comes to mind? Do you
    think of your beloved or a past beau? Do you think of the
    fairytale and blissful happiness? Or of connecting with some-
    one right off the bat? The idea of a “soulmate”, spending
    your life with that one fated person is a distinctly
    cultural concept. Not all societies preach about monogamy or
    Hallmarky-romantic cards. So let me ask you this – is it
    possible to have more than one soulmate? Or is it possible to have more than one definition of the term?

    In my own haphazard philosophy, I include good friends as
    soulmates; why restrict the word to romantic interests? Have
    you ever met someone you immediately click with, have the
    same interests, sense of humor, etc., right from the beginn-
    ing? These people often become lifelong friends. Hmm…but
    let’s take it up a notch.

    I know some people don’t believe in soulmates and truly, the
    word itself is subjective. So allow me to provide MY defi-
    nition. A soulmate is someone with whom you connect on a
    grand scale. Your hearts are completely matched and connected,
    as if they were cut from the same mould. Your feelings for
    the person don’t subside, they are ever present. It’s more
    than having common interests. Your heart flutters when you
    receive an email from him/her, you’re naturally happy when
    you talk to one another, you inspire each other and make your respective worlds an easier place to live in.

    But really, it’s more than all that, too. It’s an intangible
    feeling, a euphoric, indescribable high. It’s kind of like
    your mind, body, and soul are doing an internal happy dance.
    It’s a giddiness that this person exists and that you are
    with them.

    I am well aware that some think this is all bunk and not
    everyone finds a relationship like this. If the idea is that
    your soul is linked to only one person and fate determines
    your destiny, is it possible, then, to have more than one
    soulmate? I propose that in general, yes, it’s possible,
    but maybe not at the same time. For instance, partners pass away, and the surviving person often finds new love. Is it fair
    to say it naturally wouldn’t measure up to the first love
    or is it possible to have two in a lifetime?

    Food for thought: Does the idea of soulmates set us up for
    failure or does it make life more bearable?

    And if, like me, you have no soul, does it mean you’ll never find a soulmate?

    Comment by Chameleon's Karma — April 22, 2006 @ 1:56 pm | Reply

  4. But in this era of ‘independent thinking’ Ck, do you think that youth today are even inclined to finding one? Or are they disillusioned enough to negate the concept altogether?

    It is a trap really..a catch 22 situation. Makes you hanker for it..coz you think you know it exists, only to find out it does not, considering the variables..and then ..all over again. But what the kids today are saying is that, they consider this a frivolous pursuit in the first place. Also maybe diametriclly opposite to marriage as a proposition.

    Comment by Kaveetaa Kaul — April 22, 2006 @ 5:18 pm | Reply

  5. I do think that soul mate is a concept which is tryable.But what I am convinced is that a marriage with a soul mate, takes away the soul from the relationship. You have married a dream which cannot become a reality. You are asking for trouble. Nobody can live upto being a soulmate on a 24/7 basis. Differeences will occur and soon the friendship will terminate. So soulmate in marriage way.

    why would I want to find out:)

    Comment by doublebarrel — April 22, 2006 @ 5:34 pm | Reply

  6. double barrel,

    You have a point and a valid one. Maybe the fault lies in our interpretation of soulmate. Supposing it is all encompassing in a way which means.. accept you the way you are..follies and foibles intact.. wont that lead to a happier scenario??

    Ofen what happens is that our effort is to make the person fit into our mould our conception of what he/she should be. It rarely happens that we fit into his/her mould and begin to look from a fresher newer perspective, with a decision to make it work. Surely there must have beeen something so lovable, if it is a relationship today..but the reasons that bring one closer normally turn out to be the ones you begin to either take for granted or resent now. So what has changed? you, or that person.

    If love did not have to be a decision , all would be well. We dont wait to decide if we love our kids or not.. we just do. But the fact that there is a choice in relationships, the option is taken and trouble brews.

    Comment by Kaveetaa Kaul — April 22, 2006 @ 10:56 pm | Reply

  7. I would like to think that the age for marriage has gone up and so the chance to expeiment and view the world as adults is being explored.

    My mother got married at 20..I dont plan to marry before 30 or maybe more. And that too is a choice I will make when I get there.marriage is important..but finding the right person is important too.

    Comment by Monica — April 23, 2006 @ 10:40 am | Reply

  8. Wonderful article, Kaveetaa!!

    I would urge you, if I had that significant power, to write a book, Kaveetaa.

    Even, just your thoughts and take on things are so relevant to the majority; so splendidly captured with your writing style, grace, wit and humour; not to leave out passion, pain and disturbance; on certain issues.

    pick a subject Kaveetaa; because I have a strong feeling, that regardless of the book you would write; it would be best-selling!


    Comment by North — April 26, 2006 @ 10:31 am | Reply

  9. North..You are so KIND..

    But you know what.. you have managed with those magical words to actually set me thinking on those lines. .It would have helped though, had you been in the publishing business as well:)

    Ofcourse the books cover and aesthetics will be designed by the best in the field .. YOU.

    Comment by Kaveetaa Kaul — April 26, 2006 @ 12:28 pm | Reply

  10. Dear Kaveetaa…you know where I am(smiles.)

    I am quite sincere…you write so magnificently, you are greatly talented to write!

    So I do hope this will manifest..not just so I can design the cover(wow, thankyou) but, because it would be a tragedy if you do not!!


    Comment by North — April 26, 2006 @ 8:25 pm | Reply

  11. I urge you to keep an eye on Patzi Raven, Kaveetaa(a design cover-client) as she is in the possible process of starting her own publishing company!(wink)


    Comment by North — April 26, 2006 @ 8:28 pm | Reply

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